I've gotten to a point in my life where I am not happy at all. I can't stand what I've become or what I look like and I just don't like what has happened to me. It is really hard for me to do things or go places or wear certain things (pretty much anything not baggy) to the point where I hate looking at other people and seeing them and how they look and seeing me and how I look. I can't stand what I have done to myself or what I had to do to get to this point. The sad thing is that I didn't have to do very much, but I am going to have to do a whole lot to get away from it. Recently I have felt very depressed and sad and mad at myself and unable to control my feelings or what I want to do. My life has become a pity party and I want it to stop. I haven't been working out or eating right and I have sort of given up on any hope of not procrastinating. My life has taken a turn for the worse and I need to do something before it spins out of control. I need support. I cannot do this on my own. I am so thankful for my faith in God and the ability to call on Him whenever I need help. I don't know what I would do.I know what is bad for my body, but I can't help but feel like that would make my problems go away. I know what not to do and what could possibly kill me, but it seems to be the only option. I need help. I need guidance. I am stuck in a ditch and I cannot get out. I need someone to come with a rope and pull me out no matter how long it will take or how sore and dirty we become over the long struggle that is to come. I need someone who is right there who will jump in and push me up the rest of the way, because I have no more strength to carry on. I realize that I am going down a very dangerous path that could potentially lead to many bad and harmful things, but what I need more than criticism and skepticism and judgment is love, friendship, support and most of all accountability. I don't need you to tell me how thin you think I am or how much fatter you are because I don't care. That will not help change my thinking or help me to overcome this period in my life. Please, please, please help me in my journey and along the way. Be the one who brings the rope.
In my life right at this moment I cannot look into a mirror without tearing myself apart for the way I look. I do not want to be a vicious monster or someone who no one wants to be around because I am always depressed. That is not the life I want to live. I know God has a plan for me and that He didn't make any mistakes, but I can't help but think if only He had made me thinner or smaller or not as much like me then my life would be better. What am I saying? How dare I question God? How could the creator of the universe mess up that much? He couldn't. This is all part of a plan. Whether it is to test me or to prepare me for something in the future, I need help to push past this and use it to make me stronger so that I may glorify God with everything I am and that I might be happy with what He has given me. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or to cry over my "misfortunes". Please just read this and understand that I am struggling and all I need right now is support, not a struggle.
Sincerely H
This is something one of us (H) wrote earlier this year (January 2013). "At this point in my life, I was getting fed up with school and my life. I was filled with so much self-hate and I couldn't understand what was happening. I wrote this one night and sent it to my friend who immediately identified with me and showed true support. Having a friend so close has really been helpful to me in overcoming these feelings. I still deal with them and they have turned into anger, but I am currently working to change my life in a big way. My friend and I decided to start this blog mostly as a way to stay accountable and to support each other." If you identify with this in any way, have questions, or would like support, feel free to leave a comment or to email us. We can't guarantee a speedy response or the answer you want to hear, but we can tell you what we think and how we support you. We would love to know what you are going through and what you are doing to change it.
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