Disappointment

With the start of school now upon us, I have done some looking back at last year. Last year I was so embarrassed by my stomach and my whole body. This has been going on for a couple of years now, and last year I told myself that by the beginning of this school year things would be different. So now that it's the beginning of the school year, what has changed? Absolutely nothing! I am so mad and ashamed. My self confidence has gone down even farther and I am filled with "self-hate". Now I'm not saying that I'm at that drastic point of no return, but there are very strong feelings against myself. I cannot believe that I am starting another school year like this, completely ashamed of how I look and unable to wear what I want. Before the summer I said that this was going to be the summer I would turn things around, and that I would not go another year living like this. I don't understand how I could let this summer go by and not change anything?!? 

Tonight I've been talking with B and we both expressed (more or less) the same feelings. We had both decided that this year would be different, but neither of us have made improvement. In fact, sometimes I (H) feel as though I am becoming worse. I know neither of us are super fat or even overweight, but it is important to us that we are as healthy as we can be. Tomorrow is the first day of school for both of us. We have both agreed that tomorrow will be the day we start our commitment to living a better life. (Not to mention the start of volleyball) We know that it won't be easy and that there are days we will most definitely fail, but we know that we need to do this now before things get out of control. 

I'm sure you've all heard of the "freshman fifteen", and that is something that B and I are trying to prevent from happening. I know we are only juniors in high school, but planning now and making sure we've got things down will help ensure more success (hopefully) when we are on our own. Our plan isn't foolproof, but it is a step in the right direction. (In all honesty we probably won't actually start everything tomorrow because we have not planned every thing out yet, but as time goes on we will develop better ways to achieve what we want.) 

Even though I'm disappointed in myself and I'm not even close to where I want to be, I have made some improvements. This summer I went on a missions trip and it did in some way boost my confidence a little. I have also committed to a Bootcamp and I have followed through with it. There are many things that I did wrong this summer, but I can't do anything to change it. All I can do is look ahead and plan for the future. You cannot change the past, but you can do things to make the present and maybe future a little better.   

                                         Sincerely H