I can't tell you how disappointed I am in myself every single day. I want my life to be different and I want to change my body image in a positive way, but apparently I'm not as into it as I thought. (Which really doesn't make sense.) All I've ever talked about for the last couple of years is how I want my body to be different and how I hate myself for letting it get this way, but honestly I have not seen anything in myself this past summer that has shown me that I'm willing to work for it. Quite frankly, I'm even more mad at myself now than ever before. I managed to do an awesome Bootcamp for 4 weeks and have the support of my best friend, but all I've done is squander it. I could've changed my life over the summer, but instead I sat on the couch and every time I ate or looked at myself or thought of myself I was mad/sad. All I have done is have a giant pity party for myself for years now. How pathetic?!?
This has gone on long enough. This has to end now. I can't go on living an illusion. I can't keep pretending that I'm healthy when in reality I'm at the other end of the spectrum. I can't believe I haven't woken up to the cold, harsh news sooner. I'm extremely disappointed that I let it go on this long. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, especially if I'm not planning to do anything about it. Of course I want to change and become healthier, and I've wanted that for awhile. I don't need to change that. The thing I do need to change is the part of me so consumed with self pity that I completely ruin all of my good efforts. I need to stop feeling sorry and start saying "Suck it up, because it isn't going to get any easier." I need to ignore those voices that tell me to give in and even though I might deal with a lot of inner turmoil (over food cravings and what not), I need to say again and again, "Suck it up Buttercup. You didn't get into this in one day and you won't get out of it in one day either." I have a long, long way to go and I know that it won't be easy. Sorry if you are depressed or annoyed with all this talk about me and my struggle, but if I don't say this I won't change. I know I tend to repeat myself, but usually when someone repeats something that means its important. This isn't for someone special, or for my sister, or friends at school. This is for me. I do this because I care about myself and I can't stand living in shame. I would rather be sore everyday of my life and be happy with the way I look than be fat and comfortable. Sure I might not think that everyday and I know I will feel like giving up. We all have those days. If I don't change now, when I'm at home with an "easy" life, then when I get to college and beyond I am screwed. I won't know how to live or eat healthy and I'll just become another statistic. Sorry if this is full of cliches, but it's the truth.
From this point on I choose to make a conscious effort. I choose to wake up and say let's go workout until I can't walk, let alone stand. This is the turning point. You can't just wait for some magical experience, because believe me it probably won't happen. You have to take the initiative and you have to pursue it yourself. I'm not saying you can't do it with somebody else. You just need to make sure you know why you are doing it and that you are in control and not being controlled. I know I have struggled with these feelings for years and today is the day I speak out against them. Not to anyone specifically, but to me. I needed to confront myself in order to take another step forward. Just remember: you are only as strong as your weakest member, but you can go farther than you think.
Sincerely H
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